Conversations with computers and others.
“Shane how do I get the computer to send this document via e.mail?”
“Like this Dad don’t be so “Doff”!!!!!” (Then in a blur of moving fingers tik tik tik tik tik
tik tik— much too fast for my ageing eyes and brain to comprehend) “There, you see, it’s
That’s when my pride kicks into gear.
“Yes! Sure. I can manage now thanks for your help.”
Right, now let’s see. He pushed this button, clicked the mouse on this thingy and then he
double clicked the mouse on this do dat and thennnnn, “You have made an illegal entry
and windows will be shutting down in 5, 4, 3, seconds”
NOOOOOOOOOOOO. HOW DO I STOP THIS THING!!!!!!!!!!!. HELP.
Damn it!! —- now where has the letter gone, or has it been lost in cyberspace, and I
didn’t save it to the ROM or RAM or CD, DVD, MP3, Stick, Stiffy or some other such
alien abbreviation. It took me an hour to type using the single digit method and now it’s
“Your virtual memory is low. Please wait while windows releases more memory”
“So now you insult me too. How do you know my memory is low. You don’t even know
how old I am you stupid machine.”
“Do you want to save your document before Windows shuts down?”
“Of course I do but I don’t know where you put it! You’re just trying to annoy me so I
won’t use you again. You’re so clever, you find it, and save it yourself. I didn’t even get a
chance to name the blasted thing and anyway I must be going, I have to take more blood
“You have a new message”.
Roy has sent you a Xmas greeting, click on attachment to view.
HAH now that’s easy. I just click the mouse on this paper clip and then———– “You
cannot view this message while you are off line. Do you want to go on line now?”
“It’s my message. How dare you tell me I can’t view it? Why did you tell me I had a
message in the first place? What do you mean I must go on line? You know I hate lines. I
never stand in lines for anything. GIMME my message”.
“Windows has detected a fatal error and will be shutting down in 10 seconds. Please save
all work in progress or it will be lost”. “THAT’S IT! —– I’LL FATAL ERROR YOU,
you @#$#%$#^%&*^%$ machine, no more, I can’t stand anymore of this”
“Shane please send an e.mail to all my friends and tell them to write to me because FRED
(Flipping Ridiculous Electronic Device) the computer and I have parted company and I
will not be using e.mail, or any other kind of computer generated mail for that matter,
Does anybody know where I put my pen?”